Fact #1: It’s ok to not always feel a great rush of love and bonding straight away.
Fact #2: It’s ok if right now you’re not sure about how you feel.
Fact #3: By asking yourself how you are feeling, and by looking into ways to deepen your connection with your baby, you are already proving that you are a loving parent.
You’ll find below some simple things for you to use in the first precious months. These won’t only help you bond and build a stronger connection, most of them are in fact also an important part of their development.
Remember that whichever way you are feeling right now, you and your baby both need to find your footing in this new life together. Be kind with yourself and patient with your newborn. Sometimes things take a little bit of time, but you’ve got this!
What if the best thing to do is not doing much…
During the first few weeks, skin to skin cuddles will be one of the most important parts of your day. It doesn’t seem like doing much, but there is so much to it as your baby finds comfort and security against your warm body, feeling your heartbeat, and taking in your unique smell! This will in exchange boost the production of oxytocin in your body which is the most fascinating hormone, responsible for bonding and attachment in many mammals, including us humans. So snuggle up close and enjoy the greatest experience nature has gifted us!
Feeding
Breastfeeding is well known for its soothing and calming quality, and for the role it plays with bonding thanks to its positive effect on the mother’s hormones. However, if you’ve made the informed decision to bottle feed your baby, or if you’re not able to breastfeed because of personal circumstances, you’ll also find that each feed is an opportunity for you to bond with your infant.
Limit the number of visitors
It’s unavoidable, everybody will want to see you and meet your gorgeous baby as soon as the news of the birth is out. But regardless of how well-meaning people are, a busy house is not the most conducive environment for you and your baby to properly meet each other earth-side and initiate the bonding process - as it can be really tiring for you, but also stressful for your newborn. During the first couple of weeks, keep your support bubble small and meaningful. Give yourself a chance to rest, and your baby time to settle into their new life in a calm and quiet environment. There is plenty of time for the social visits and celebrations...
Sniff and kiss
That newborn smell! I don’t think there is anything like it… Take the time to cuddle and kiss your baby's head. Breathe in that delicious and intoxicating aroma. Research shows that it will help you feel good as well as supporting the attachment process. Another fascinating design by Nature... If only we could bottle it up!
Get a wrap or a soft carrier
In the early days, baby will benefit from staying close to you. But it might feel increasingly hard to resist getting things done between feeds and naps… A wrap or a soft carrier can be a lovely way to stay close while feeling a bit more ‘free’ to move around. And guess what! You can still sniff and kiss hands-free!
Talk it out
Being home with your small one is wonderful but some days can equally feel lonely and overwhelming. A good way to manage those feelings is to say it out loud. Hearing your voice will comfort your baby, and you may find that it helps you release tension and stress in those challenging moments.
Smile
Instinctively your baby will know that a smile means that everything is ok and that they are safe with you. When you smile you also release oxytocin and endorphins (those again...) which will help you feel good and relieve stress.
At around 6-12 weeks, your baby will start smiling back. The most incredible feeling! You’ll then try to get that unbeatable baby chortle – whatever it takes (funny faces, silly voices, peek-a-boos…)! For some of us, a deeper sense of connection starts then with those more obvious forms of communication.
Sing and dance
You might not be the best contestant for the next season of X factor, but singing to your baby or dancing with them in your arms can be a wonderful way to bond. Singing and dancing help release feel-good hormones which relieve stress and support the bonding process - guess which ones they are!?
Share a bath
Most babies love a bath. After all, being in water was all they knew until recently. Get in with them, have that amazing skin to skin experience in warm water (36-37°C). Blissful moments for you to treasure...
Baby massage
Infant massage can really help with the bonding process. There is so much to it: gentle touch, eye-to-eye contact, the reassuring sound of your voice. Baby massage is a great way for the other parent to get involved and bond too. You can either join a local class together or find video tutorials online, and then add it to your morning or bedtime routine. You can find out more information about baby massage here.
Baby’s everyday care
Sometimes the smallest things are the most important ones. Remember that just by responding to your baby’s needs (feeding, changing, comforting…), you are already building an incredible bond...
Mama’s selfcare
It can seem like an impossible thing in the first few months, but self-care is very important. Fact #4: we can't be good to others if we aren't good to ourselves. Self-care might be as simple as a 20-minute bath on your own with essential oils and your favourite playlist, or a postnatal massage once a month, or even asking someone to cook your favourite meal… Anything that will make YOU feel good, refuelled, and nurtured.
Remember to be kind to yourself, this motherhood stuff is hard, but it’s so worth it!
Ask for support
If you feel like you’re not bonding with your baby or if you’re experiencing any of the following symptoms, make an appointment to see your GP or health visitor, or contact the amazing PANDAS Foundation's free helpline. People are here to support you.
Low mood and persistent sadness
Lack of energy
Overeating and under eating for comfort
Frightening and intrusive thoughts
Lack of enjoyment and loss of interest in the wider world
Trouble sleeping at night (between feeds)
Withdrawing from contact with other people
Lack of concentration and difficulty making decisions
If you’ve had a challenging pregnancy or birth that’s affecting your postnatal journey, you can also get in touch with me directly to explore the possibility of using a gentle yet effective NLP technique called 3-step-rewind to help you process your experience and release those difficult emotions.
Photo by RODNAE Productions